2004-02-09 at 12:37 p.m.
I want to be this person I was a few years ago that everyone seems to think I should be now. My mom told me today on the phone that I used to her "tough stuff" but now I'm just this little china doll. I want to be someone my family loves and respects. I don't think I will be for awhile because my parents hold it against me that I told them a few major lies two years ago and that I didn't do well in school the first year I was out on my own. I feel like I'm seen as being too needy. Maybe I am. I used to be so independent before I had Madison, now my husband's afraid that I'll have a heart attack if he has to go out of town. I feel like I'm too clingy. I like to be next to Brad and hold his hand and kiss on him and snuggle and hug......sometimes it feels like he's thinking, "Just get off of me!" I want to be someone he loves and respects and admires like I do him. I don't even know if I am. He says I'm too emotional, that I worry too much, I'm not good at staying up on cleaning the house or doing laundry. I know I'm not. I know I'm an awful excuse for a wife most of the time. I'm sorry. I'm 21, I should be with my friends at college. I should be getting smashed every weekend. I should be struggling to do well in my classes. I should be getting ready to graduate and start a life next year. I'm not though. I chose this path because I love Brad, because I can't see myself without him, and because Maddie was on her way. Why do I feel like I'm being punished for choosing this road? My daughter's been taken away, I was denied a follow-up pregnancy due to a miscarriage, I have a husband that doesn't want to grocery shop because it's spending more money, I have bills to worry about paying that I can't and I have to make Brad do it all. We're scrounging. WE USED MY DAUGHTER'S DEATH BENEFITS TO PAY OFF BILLS! On top of all this, we're moving to a state that lives in months of total darkness. I've all ready got a hard time keeping myself together. I all ready get depressed and manic. I have this sad, sinking, feeling that if we move up to Alaska and if I fall back to wear I was when we first lost Maddie, I'll lose Brad forever. I won't tell him my fears though, because then I'll be worrying too much, he'll ask if I just want to stay down here and I'll say no because I don't want to be sitting on the porch in our rocking chairs 40 years from now and have him resent me because I prevented him from doing something he really wants to do. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself right now. If I am, I need to stop.
I feel like I'm underestimated. I'm going to do great things in life. Wonderful things. Fuck Megan and her culinary arts career. I hope my parents get their dream and she bakes her way to the top and is their first child to graduate school. However, while she's baking pies, I'll slowly but surely earn my MD or DVM and I'll save lives while she's busy making important decisions like the correct berry to put on a tart. I'm earning my confidence back thanks to my husband, not thanks to my parents who don't believe I can do anything I set my mind to anymore. Sure, they say it, but they won't believe it until they see my diploma. When I graduate, I don't know if I want them there. I don't know if I want people there that were 100% behind me at their convenience. I kind of want to take a picture on that day of me in my cap and gown, holding the diploma with one hand and flipping them off with the other. Brad never fails to tell me how smart and beautiful I am. He never fails to let me know that he's behind my every choice and decision. I guess it all makes sense as HE is my family now. Him and the dogs. The Beldins. I can't wait for him to get home tonight, I need him to sit down, ignore the dogs and just listen to me. Just listen.
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